Why are they having their wedding underneath my block !

This makes me imagine what if she happen to invite me to her wedding.

Should I cry there, not go, punch the bloody groom, graciously give them my blessing or...

I have came to conclusion, I will go but not attend.

I know there will be something missing from my world.

There will be something dangling.

Something yet to be said.

Somethings yet to be done.

Some feeling yet to be expressed.

Some tears yet to be shed.

Some wish yet to come true.

Some stories yet to be told.

I know she wouldn't turn back in the sense that she wouldn't call the wedding off just because of a nobody.

Maybe she wouldn't even invite me,

then things are much easier.

...

Upon being informed, my heart sank, to somewhere.

I though I came back for some break-off vacation.

To hop on down to Jejawi ; where she's residing at.

They are having their big day at La Fa wedding dinner hall.

I stepped real hard on the motorcycle paddle, to ignite the engine.

No matter how many times I tried, it just disappoint me.

Finally I realise the engine is running.

I ride the the bike all the way to the padi field behind my grandma's house.

Along the way, I just stubbornly pump oil into the cylinder.

I know no matter how much I pump, I would never reach the destination I want.

I will never reach the expectation she want, I will never never never.

I think my tear gland knows it too.

The tears just roll away from my eyes.

With the aid the wind, my face is drenched.

I didn't know where I am heading to,

memories just salt my wound mercilessly.

The times at KL ...

The times at petaling streets ...

The times where I go around searching for you frantically ...

The times I wanted to say hi but just didn't have the courage ...

The times you replied unwillingly ; I just said I am going to sleep...

The times I hid under my blanket to convince myself the day where we will come together with tears.

The times where I just miss you so much and couldn't do anything actually.

The times I shout at your picture but you just don't reply.

The times rejected me so badly but I just took it that I am not good enough.

The times I waited for you.

The times I stared at the moon just hoping that you are doing so too.

The times where I am just wondering what are you doing.

The times where so many thing happened.

Surprisingly my bike went along the way to Jejawi.

I just couldn't hold in anymore.

Unfortunately I fell off my bike.

In front of a saloon.

Then a lady came out, she looked so familiar,

I saw her on facebook, she look so much like her.

I recalled ; she's her sister.

She came out of the saloon with her permed hair.

A wedding suit.

In spite the blood oozing out from both my hands and legs, I picked up my bike and went off.

Didn't I want to see her so badly there years,

But why must it be today, this occasion.

It hurts so badly.

she didn't invite me to her dinner.

I went.

The voice of the emcee, amplifier, was deafening.

I stood outside the hall, with every single facial tissue crumpled up.

Buckets and pails of mucus and tears just flow and pour out.

I can do nothing.

I went down to my knees.

A sharp pain penetrated through my cardiac muscles then I felt weak.

My arteries were constricting.

Then I felt so strength less never like before.

I dropped to the ground.

I vividly could see people running to me.

Then I heard "Xiong.. Xiong..."

I knew that was her, that was just the imaginary her.

I ended everything with a scar and a wound that will never heal.

I will wait...

No matter how hard I shout into the phone,
to her picture, she just won't respond.
Silly me, that's just a picture, image whatever.
But that isn't just a picture or an image.
I tried hard to talk to her, know her, care for her.
All she know is to ignore, pure ignore.
She's famous for her 1-word reply.
So much so that every time, it just shuts my mouth so naturally.
1 month plus of silence, of waiting, of endurance.
1 month plus of not focusing, insomnia.
1 month more to going back to look for her.
Do i actually get to see her, I don't know, maybe she will head for Penang.
Then it's pretty worthless to go back.
Apparently I just want to go back.
Whether a not, I want to go back.
I am idiot, moron, silly, retard, insane, stupid or whatever,
I just wants to get a sight of her.
I can hardly breath anymore.
Where is my soul ?

Hello, unexpectedly i address like this.

Yi Ling, that girl, she feedback to me.

She said my blog's too abstract.

She couldn't understand it.

I was pondering to myself, it's my blog, it's good enough that I understand it.

But on the other hand, I though,why?

Maybe it really lies within me.

She suggested to write something more cheerful.

From that i deduced that to be cheerful I must be happy.

To be happy I must do something I like.

What I like to happen right now is to have her by my side and get good results

But apparently these are not happening yet.

I think one of them or maybe two of them won't even come true.

How could I be happy ?

I hope i answered, I mean gave her a satisfying answer.

...

It's so far away, i though i could divert my attention to something else but,

I realise i am not discipline to do.

I knew that's not gonna happen but I am still hopping for the best.

What's so best about someone who ignores you, not interested in you,

or somewhat thinks that you are a nuisance.

It seriously break my heart into a million pieces.

...

I couldn't stand it.